I haven't committed murder...yet... >

I feel like I'm killing something as vulnerable and defenseless as a toddler. Sure, it can kick and scream as I suffocate it, but only to the point where it is a minor annoyance. The toddler can fight back no more effectively than that which I am killing by the simple fact that I am nearly unwilling to save it. The worst part is, I'm not even sure why I'm so unwilling to save it. I thought I cared. I do care. And yet, if I save it, it's going to encroach upon my independence, my sense of myself as an individual, just as it has been since it has existed. I don't want to be introduced as a certain title. And yet, perhaps it is because of who I am associating with that title. I didn't mind it at first, but now it has become distasteful. I just don't get it though, because if this title were associated with another person, several of whom come to mind almost unbidden, I know I would not be so loath to accept it, nor would I even hesitate to save the thing which I am referring to. I feel as though I'm talking in circles, and I'm certain none of you know what I'm talking about. Hell, I don't even think I'm ready to admit it to myself. I'm afraid. Afraid that if I do kill this metaphorical toddler, that I'll be alone all over again. Quite the paradox...afraid to be independent because I might be alone. Well, it sounds like a paradox in my mind, anyways. But I don't know. I've been thinking about this whole situation so long it's stopped making sense to me, if ever it did. *Le sigh* If any of you want clarification on this, you're going to have to IM me, because I'm not willing to discuss this in a public (or friends-only) forum in any kind of detail.