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Aug. 12th, 2004 11:19 amEvery time I feel like I can breathe again, something else takes my breath away and coils my insides. I've felt like I'm going to throw up since approximately 10:30 last night. Doomed. Let me start from the beginning.
Apparently my step-mother, a self-important busy-body who feels it is her life's duty to torture me, has apparently been going through my things, because she found out I write slashfic. She spent a good fifteen minutes making me feel like I'm some dirty little creature, because I honestly couldn't justify why I like it so much. And she didn't believe me when I was telling her I've been trying to work on my own original fiction for a while. In her opinion the whole fantasy genre (not to mention romance) is completely not worth-while (regardless of how many books the authors of those genres sell). I should be writing about "real life". Hell. I'm actually rather tempted to write an autobiography just to see if anyone would be interested in reading about the lifestory of a nerdy slashfic writer.
But anyways, the real point is, my father will soon be finding out what a disgusting person I am. I was in the process of working on a D/H fic when she left, and I couldn't bring myself to even look at it after that. I haven't yet today. I'm fucking scared witless. She implied that I could be arrested if I happened to discuss fic of a sexually-explicit nature with a person under the age of consent. Is that true? I'm going to burn. Burn burn burn burn burn. But hell, if I don't end up in jail or on probation or whatever, my college loans are all taken care of, so I can go back to school this fall. I'm so scared. Leave it to that bitch to make me feel like the vilest piece of scum on earth. I haven't cried yet, though. The tears are burning my eyes, but I haven't let any fall.
I'm going to destroy all my fics but the "Master Notebook". I hadn't left the rest of it lying around or anything, but apparently it can't be out of my sight, or she might find it. All of them are archived in several different locations and saved on my discs, so it isn't as though I'm losing them or anything, but I have to destroy the paper copies. I really want to burn them in a ritual sort of thing, but I'm probably going to have no other option then to rip them to shreds and throw them in a public trashcan so she can't find the pieces. I know I'm destroying evidence, if I can be prosecuted for whatever, but I don't care. It won't be the only illegal thing I've ever done. I've probably got ~50 pages of looseleaf slash-fic, not to mention RPG notes that have to be destroyed. I think that fact depresses me more than anything the bitch-monster said.
The worst part is, I may never write fic again. Certainly never where She might see me. I mean, I couldn't even look at the fic I was working on last night after she said the things she said. RPing is easier, because there's no possibility for discovery, but still, I'm practically forcing myself to do this. It fucking hurts. A lot. I don't know if I'll be able to finish the two challenges I took. If I do, they'll probably be late.
I'm not going to leave my fandoms, though. I've put too much into them for that. They're my fucking sanctuary. I don't know how I could survive if I didn't have creative outlets. I'd probably have to kill myself. Seriously. If I didn't have my creative outlets, my anime, my drawing, my books, I wouldn't have anything. My parents, especially my stepmother, don't seem to realize that. I'm nothing, nothing, if not creativity. I mean, sure. My original ideas are slow coming, but they're there. I do work on them.
Oh, and apparently my stepmother thinks I'm a lesbian and that I'm going to commit statuatory rape on a straight under-age friend of mine. Ridiculous, but oh well. She doesn't seem to realize that m/m slash tends to appeal to heterosexual (or bisexual, in my case) females. I don't know. I don't want my generalizations held against me either, because I'm hardly in the state where I'm going to remember half of what I write here, anyway.
Leave me love.
Please?
Apparently my step-mother, a self-important busy-body who feels it is her life's duty to torture me, has apparently been going through my things, because she found out I write slashfic. She spent a good fifteen minutes making me feel like I'm some dirty little creature, because I honestly couldn't justify why I like it so much. And she didn't believe me when I was telling her I've been trying to work on my own original fiction for a while. In her opinion the whole fantasy genre (not to mention romance) is completely not worth-while (regardless of how many books the authors of those genres sell). I should be writing about "real life". Hell. I'm actually rather tempted to write an autobiography just to see if anyone would be interested in reading about the lifestory of a nerdy slashfic writer.
But anyways, the real point is, my father will soon be finding out what a disgusting person I am. I was in the process of working on a D/H fic when she left, and I couldn't bring myself to even look at it after that. I haven't yet today. I'm fucking scared witless. She implied that I could be arrested if I happened to discuss fic of a sexually-explicit nature with a person under the age of consent. Is that true? I'm going to burn. Burn burn burn burn burn. But hell, if I don't end up in jail or on probation or whatever, my college loans are all taken care of, so I can go back to school this fall. I'm so scared. Leave it to that bitch to make me feel like the vilest piece of scum on earth. I haven't cried yet, though. The tears are burning my eyes, but I haven't let any fall.
I'm going to destroy all my fics but the "Master Notebook". I hadn't left the rest of it lying around or anything, but apparently it can't be out of my sight, or she might find it. All of them are archived in several different locations and saved on my discs, so it isn't as though I'm losing them or anything, but I have to destroy the paper copies. I really want to burn them in a ritual sort of thing, but I'm probably going to have no other option then to rip them to shreds and throw them in a public trashcan so she can't find the pieces. I know I'm destroying evidence, if I can be prosecuted for whatever, but I don't care. It won't be the only illegal thing I've ever done. I've probably got ~50 pages of looseleaf slash-fic, not to mention RPG notes that have to be destroyed. I think that fact depresses me more than anything the bitch-monster said.
The worst part is, I may never write fic again. Certainly never where She might see me. I mean, I couldn't even look at the fic I was working on last night after she said the things she said. RPing is easier, because there's no possibility for discovery, but still, I'm practically forcing myself to do this. It fucking hurts. A lot. I don't know if I'll be able to finish the two challenges I took. If I do, they'll probably be late.
I'm not going to leave my fandoms, though. I've put too much into them for that. They're my fucking sanctuary. I don't know how I could survive if I didn't have creative outlets. I'd probably have to kill myself. Seriously. If I didn't have my creative outlets, my anime, my drawing, my books, I wouldn't have anything. My parents, especially my stepmother, don't seem to realize that. I'm nothing, nothing, if not creativity. I mean, sure. My original ideas are slow coming, but they're there. I do work on them.
Oh, and apparently my stepmother thinks I'm a lesbian and that I'm going to commit statuatory rape on a straight under-age friend of mine. Ridiculous, but oh well. She doesn't seem to realize that m/m slash tends to appeal to heterosexual (or bisexual, in my case) females. I don't know. I don't want my generalizations held against me either, because I'm hardly in the state where I'm going to remember half of what I write here, anyway.
Leave me love.
Please?